For years I’ve thought that if I could just change this one thing about me (my weight) all would be well. In an otherwise charmed existence, this was my one cross to bear. Other people had “real” problems, what did I have to complain about? Just devote my energy to getting this one thing under control and I would be golden. After reading this amazing post at Shapely Prose, I came to the conclusion that this was a spectacular waste of time.
What exactly was I waiting for? What was magically going to change when I lost weight? Would I find a husband? (no, got that…) Would I get more friends and be super popular? (I have plenty, thank you…) Would I be adored by the masses on the street? (I actually HATE that, you know, to be noticed and accosted by strangers…) Was I going to travel and have tons of fun? (hmmm… already had that experience…)
So what was it? I guess my Fantasy of Being Thin just involved feeling GOOD about myself and within my own skin. It was about feeling powerful and healthy and confident. It meant looking good in clothes (and without them!) and just reveling in being me. I’ve come to the conclusion that all of those things have to do with my state of MIND, not the state of my body. It seems so basic that I could literally laugh at all the angst I’ve put myself through.
Over the past 6 months or so since I’ve added some strength training to the yoga I already adored doing, I’ve noticed a change not only in my body but how I feel about it. Although I haven’t lost any weight and have probably gained some (I no longer weigh myself), I’ve noticed subtle changes in my body composition. It’s nothing drastic or probably even noticeable to others. But *I* notice and feel different: stronger, more toned, less wobbly.
I’ve found myself getting a kick out of buying clothes again, something I haven’t been able to do for years. Between the financial concerns and the feeling that anything I bought would be temporary (because I’d be losing weight, of course), I didn’t invest too much in it. What a joy it is to find something that makes me feel good right now, as I am now. I got the best bathing suite ever and I can’t wait to sport it on vacation. Who knew that I was capable of feeling that way about a swim suite!
I AM powerful, healthy, and confident. I am that way RIGHT NOW. And none of those qualities come from my ability to semi-starve my body into submission. So instead of devoting my energy to getting this one (weight) thing under control, I have boundless energy to devote to living this wonderful, amazing life I am blessed to enjoy.