The Zaftig Chicks & the Fat Nutritionist Go at it &Why I Love it!

I am a big fan of both the Zaftig Chicks and the Fat Nutritionist. I guess that’s what they call “cognitive dissonance”. It was surreal to see the fallout from a big difference of opinion, expressed in the two posts I linked. For me, it’s fun to see a whole range of opinions that I can sort through and make my own mind up about. I totally get where Silvia (one of the Zaftig Chicks) is coming from. I sometimes question how healthy I can be with the extra weight and have moments where I fantasize about going back on WW for a bit, just to make a dent in the situation. THEN, I can practice Health at Every Size (HAES) and live happily ever after, right?

But then I take a long hard look at my own history. Not statistics, failure rates, blah blah blah. I look at my life. What has all the dieting (mostly on and off WW since age 10) done for me? If I’m honest, it’s made me fatter. When I take an objective look at myself I have to conclude that there must be a problem with the system, not me. The diet industry brainwashes us to think that every time we gain the weight back, it’s our own damn fault. We’re just not disciplined enough. Speaking as someone who has completed two full marathons (both as an “obese” person), I have discipline, thankyouverymuch.

That’s why reading Linda Bacon’s HAES book was such a lightbulb moment for me. There has to be another way besides this yo-yo cycle. It’s scary as hell sometimes and I have gained weight since resolving never to diet again. But just because that’s happened doesn’t lead me to think that going back to dieting is the answer. Experience has taught me that the incredible effort it takes to shed the pounds will ultimately not be worth it. My history teaches me that I can lose weight (although each subsequent time gets harder and harder) but I will inevitably gain it back and then some. What’s the point?

But as a complex human being, I have the ability to choose between more than black and white, dieting and gorging myself to death. HAES is that middle path. I feel great about my twice a week yoga routine and my three time-a-week 10 Minute Workouts. Moving makes me feel better, keeps me flexible, and hopefully, positively impacts my overall health. Do I still eat more than I should from time to time? Yes, it happens, but it doesn’t wreck my day. Now that I have “permission” to eat that chocolate cake (or yummy frozen cheesecake from Trader Joe’s, oh my!) I somehow don’t have the urge to eat gobs of it at a time. There’s no need to get it all in now before the diet starts. Funny how that works.

But yet, I gain weight. I’ve stopped weighing myself but I know it’s happening. It’s frustrating to realize that I really don’t eat “that much”. Objectively speaking, I have a very balanced diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. I don’t binge on fast food or any other “junk”. I eat that kind of stuff pretty moderately. I know that many professionals tend to discount self reporting and think that people like me are lying or just misjudging what we eat. But really, I know what I’m talking about. As many diets as I’ve been on, I can gauge calorie counts and portion sizes with the best of them. I’m not saying I eat a low calorie diet, I’m just saying it’s a normal, balanced one. If you taped me for a week and attributed the amount of food eaten to an average sized person, I don’t think anyone would wonder why she wasn’t 250 lbs.

I could cry out at the gods about the unfairness of it all, but what’s the use? The truth is, I’ve wrecked my metabolism from all the dieting and it shouldn’t come as a surprise. I hope my body will eventually forgive me and either settle at a weight soon or maybe let go of whatever extra it doesn’t need. I know that it’s unlikely that I’ll just keep gaining weight indefinitely – although, I certainly entertain that fear on occasion. But so much of life is really out of our immediate control. I’ve made my peace and will see where it takes me. Because the alternative? It’s just not an option anymore. There are only so many times I can bang my head against the wall and then wonder why I have a headache.

In the end, I can’t help but wish Bianca and Silvia the best of luck with their WW endeavors. All I can wish for any of us dealing with the pressure to lose weight for health (or any other) reasons, is that we can all find “success”, in whatever form it takes. I strongly believe that we all must find our own way through this mess. Me banging someone else over the head about HAES is no different from someone enlightening me about their latest diet. Mind your own business and worry about your own body. I’ll do the same. That being said, I have to admit that I love the snarkiness that’s alive and well (and in such good fun) on both sites and will be tuning in for round 3!

2010: The Year We Buy a House

I am going crazy out of my mind with excitement about it and cannot (will not!) tally the amount of time I spend on Redfin.com. I’ve come up with all sorts of searches to whittle down to what we want. Our budget is constrained so at first we thought it had to be condo. A condo is good in theory, but one of the few drawbacks to our living situation now (apart from it being small) is that we have to be considerate in terms of noise. This isn’t the biggest deal for me, but it often stymies Cute Man when he’s really into a game or a movie. It would be nice to not have to think about it when we have our own home. Also, I’d hate to pay large condo fees that aren’t tax deductible like the mortgage payments.

But could we even dream of buying an actual house on our budget? The answer, is maybe. I’ve discovered that it may indeed be possible for us to buy a townhouse or even a single family home as long as we’re flexible on location. Of course, we need to feel safe wherever we move, but it might be more of an up and coming area, rather than a neighborhood we’re already familiar with.

We really need to be within walking distance of the Metro (train) due to being a single car family, so that puts a lot of constraints on things. We also want to stay as close-in as possible, but really, anything that is walking distance to a metro isn’t going to “too” far out anyway, I guess. We definitely need to stay below $300,000 and would prefer something more in the $250,000 range. Depending on where you’re living, that might seem high or crazy low and impossible if you’re from this area. But in my searches, at least online, it is theoretically possible. I’ve found a dozen or so move-in ready homes that look good online that are close to a Metro station. It makes me wonder each time if there’s something wrong with the place or neighborhood, but that will only become apparent when we start actually going out to see them ourselves. It’s just good to know that options are out there.

My absolute favorite discovery is a new construction development of townhouses out in Landover near FedEx Field. I couldn’t believe they were in our price range. We might have to be somewhat considerate of neighbors with our sound levels, but not to the extent it would be with a condo. And I like the whole townhouse set-up which will have a garage (!) and Cute Man’s “man-cave” on the first floor, the kitchen, dining room, living room, and powder room on the second floor, and two bedrooms plus two full baths (one being a Master Bath!) on the top level. I also love that the washer and dryer are on the top floor with the bedrooms. Trucking down to a basement to do laundry never made sense to me. To top it all off, it’s only a 5 minute walk to the Metro!

Of course, I’m slightly ahead of myself and we have a couple hoops to jump before actually getting an agent and going out to see places. First, we have a meeting on Monday with NACA to finalize our approval to go through their first time homebuyers program. I had to clear up a couple mistakes on my credit report first, which I’ve done, so we’re good to go. Then, we have a home buying class to attend… Once that’s out of the way, we’ll find an agent and get rolling. The goal is to be on track to take advantage of the federal tax credit before it expires in April.

It’s getting harder and harder to contain my excitement. I keep reminding myself to slow down and just go through the process. Now that things are starting to pick up, I plan to chronicle the process here. If anyone has any home-buying advice, please chime in!

Reframing Resolutions

It’s that time of year – you know, when everyone and their mother is talking about how they’re going to make this year better than the last. And for many, that means self-improvement which often translates to TIME TO LOSE WEIGHT! The commercials are on a perpetual loop – NutriSystem! Jenny Craig! Weight Watchers! Even the cereal Special K is in on the action this year. How nice of them to remind us all that we’re big fat losers and we should go give them our money RIGHT NOW. Because, you know, science proves that giving them money makes us skinny.

However, for most of us, that promise just doesn’t pan out in any real or lasting way. Sure, we may see the scale dip lower for awhile (and doesn’t it just feel GREAT?!), but it’s the rare exception that sees that result last very long. And at what price? The thought of being on food restriction and being hyper-aware of all choices for the rest of my life is exhausting.

But still, I’m tempted. I cannot lie. I look at Valerie Bertinelli and think, “well, maybe…” I have to almost physically shake myself back to reality sometimes. Eating prepackaged food might work temporarily and offer a short respite from having to think about food and it’s affect on body size, but it’s not sustainable. The rebound alone is just not worth it. So, I must work with what I’ve got: my brain and my wonderful body that gets me through life each and every day. Isn’t that amazing?

Even so, the urge to get fit and focus on self improvement persists. I want to look and feel better than I do now. So what’s a Intuitive Eater in training to do? Well, you may call it just semantics but I choose to focus on behaviors and habits rather than the outcome. I choose to put my energy into doing things that are positive for my health – buying yummy whole foods, putting time and care into preparing meals, and moving my body. That’s it. I just let go of any expectation of weight loss. I’m recommitting to doing these things for my overall well-being so there is no pressure of disappointment if weight loss doesn’t happen as a result.

This outlook has a positive impact financially as well. I’m not forking over my cash with my self efficacy to some corporate conglomerate selling snake oil in the form of the fantasy of being thin. I’m not choosing to spend lots of money on classes or equipment to “motivate me”. In reality, getting fit and moving more doesn’t have to cost a thing. Paying for classes, etc. is nice (and I do spend some money on low cost yoga classes so I’m not hating on all expenditures). I just don’t think that spending money can substitute for actual follow-through – a lesson that’s taken me a long time to learn. There are so many free/low cost things to do, it’s incredible.

In my own particular (charmed) world, I have access to two free fitness rooms at work, low cost yoga classes at work, tons of free exercise classes On Demand (I’ve been using those for strength training), and my own two feet :) I also invested a couple bucks in some hand weights and a resistance band to help with my goal of getting stronger this year. That’s it.

To help get me going, I’ve lowered my threshold for what constitutes a good workout. I used to think that if I didn’t do at LEAST 30 minutes, it basically wasn’t worth it. Well, now I’m committing to just 20 minutes most days. Not all days, but most. I will have my 2 one-hour-long yoga classes each week, but the other days just require me to suit up and do 20 minutes. I can DO that. And starting where I am now (feeling very out of shape), it’s a good start that is least likely to result in injury. Will I up the time commitment as I rebuild my stamina? Probably, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I just want to enjoy the effects of getting some exercise each day without all the pressure and obsession on results. I’m going to do it just to do it and see where it gets me.

So, how has the New Year impacted your motivation to get healthier in 2010? Are you a sucker for the urge to reboot your bod come January, like me? What steps are you taking in your quest? Or, are you immune to the social pressure and living life as usual, focused on your goals but no more or less so due to the calendar? How do you stay so sane? Please share your take in the comments.

Credit Card Declined? That and Amex Thinks I’m Dead

What a shock THAT was at the Starbucks this morning! Well, it turns out someone was having a ball at Walmart and Food Lion somewhere in South Carolina with my card. Sheesh! Good thing the folks at Chase caught that early and are taking care of the fraudulent charges.

It’s just annoying at this point. Cute Man (an authorized user) and I will have to wait until they send us a new cards in order to use them again. It’s just a minor crimp in my strategy of using the card for all purchases, building up reward points, and paying the balance each month. Then there are all the automatic withdrawals linked to that card that I’ll need to update when I get a new card number. Oh, well. A few minutes of my time to make those changes isn’t exactly a big deal.

But how did they get my card? Neither of our physical credit cards is missing so I’m thinking that the number was somehow hijacked and then a fake card was made. I mean, they used it at Walmart, so they probably needed an actual card, right? In any case, I’m hoping this is the end of it. We’ll get new cards next week, I’ll fill out the fraud paperwork, and that will be it (cross your fingers!)

In other news, I finally dealt with the mistake on one of my credit reports. One of my old credit cards was listing me as “deceased”. Yep, as in no longer among the living. I put in my request for an “investigation” which I find kind of funny in this case – how much investigating is necessary to prove I’m still breathing… I mean, I could be a pretty good eye-witness…

So I’m in pretty much in a “deal with stuff” kind of mood, which is actually quite contrary to my normal state. It’s crazy to see how dealing with this stuff really isn’t all that bad once I just go ahead and just do it already. It’s the dread that keeps me from dealing… This is of course all in the quest towards home ownership. Hopefully, with this credit snafu cleared up, we’ll be able to move forward with the home-buying process with NACA in January!

16 Reasons NOT to Diet

Check out this list of 16 Reasons NOT to Diet. I’m reposting the whole list here because it’s THAT good. I came across it on the awesome Through Thick and Thin Forum and it really resonated. The original author of the list, Golda from Body Love Wellness, has a great reason for picking 16 reasons:

To support you in this journey, I am reprinting my 16 Reasons Not To Diet. Why 16? Because that’s the average dress size of American women!

And here's the list!

1) Many diets support the use of non-nutritional, highly chemicalized foods like fake fats and fake sugars. These chemicalized foods negatively affect body chemistry, cause low-level undernourishment, and often encourage overeating when the dieter gets the signal that s/he is not getting nourishment.
2) Diets have such a high failure rate that they are really a gamble with a low chance of success. If you look at the fine print of most studies on diets, they will tell you that diets have a 90-99% long-term failure rate. People lose some weight, only to find it creep back up, often surpassing their initial, pre-diet weight. Even the “successful” dieters often don’t keep all of their weight off.
3) Dieting gives dieters the message that they cannot trust their internal sense of what nourishes them. This distrust of internal signals affects other aspects of a dieter’s life, where they seek external approval and control of their non-food
related actions.
4) The diet industry has a deep interest in the failure of dieters—if everyone got skinny, they’d go out of business.
5) Dieters’ self esteem is often tied to their weight—they feel good about themselves when they’re losing weight and bad about themselves when they’re gaining weight.
6) The diet system reinforces low self esteem in dieters by making them feel like they have no “willpower” when they have diet lapses. In actuality, diets encourage people to ignore their internal will in exchange for the perceived will of the diet industry.
7) Rather than being about nourishment, food often becomes about reward and punishment for dieters.
8) Diets cause dieters (who are often women) to revolve their lives around food
rather than other things that may really matter to them (relationships, careers,
social issues).
9) Diets cause a lot of body hatred, particularly when the dieter isn’t losing weight. Dieters tend to see their bodies as wrong and problematic when they’re not seeing the “results” they want.
10) Diets often categorize foods as good/okay vs. bad/forbidden. Just like our culture’s genesis story revolves around a woman eating a forbidden food (the apple), it’s human nature to want what’s forbidden. Thus, it’s no wonder that dieters often crave forbidden foods even more once they are forbidden, and then hate themselves for eating those foods (maybe because they’re made to feel as though they’ve caused all of humanity to become sinners).
11) Diets encourage what I like to call “lottery thinking”—most dieters know that diets haven’t really worked for them nor most of the people they know, yet they think that this new diet is going to make them thin, and they’ll finally be in that tiny successful group.
12) Most diet programs are expensive. I cringe when I think about the money that I and my friends and family have spent over the years on Weight Watchers, special
shakes and diet pills!
13) For some people, diets are like Band-aids on deep scars. For people who really overeat and eat unconsciously, they often eat to numb their feelings and consciousness. Their issue is not really “portion control.” In fact, they often are too controlling of themselves and their emotions.
14) Diets assume that all fat people eat too much. They don’t account for the fact that people come in all shapes and sizes, and that a person’s weight is not an indicator of overall health.
15) The weight loss/gain cycle created by dieting is more stressful on the body than just being plain, old fat.
16) Diets work on a scarcity principle. Diets make dieters focus on lack, tell them they can only have “this much and no more” and that to want more is a bad thing. Because dieting is so all-encompassing, this scarcity principle often filters into other aspects of dieters’ lives. They begin to see lack and scarcity in their relationships, in their jobs, in the world.

Big thanks to Gina at Through Thick and Thin for posting this there. This list really gets at the heart of the futility of dieting and the body hatred it inspired in me. Fighting that uphill dieting battle was causing me nothing but pain. Learning to accept myself as I am is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever tried to do, even harder than the dieting, I think. But the reward is so much greater. It takes a lot to completely turn my worldview upside down and to start swimming in the other direction. It feels strange and sometimes lonely. But I know in my heart that I’m doing the right thing for me. For all the effort I put into dieting, what did I get? A lot of feelings of failure and the opposite of what I thought I wanted (I became bigger in the long run, instead of smaller).

Though painful at first, letting go of the goal of weight loss is freeing me up to engage with myself and others in ways I haven’t before. Instead of joining in to body-shaming conversations, I try to be the voice of reason and love. The world is a hard enough place sometimes, without piling on abuse our very selves. I loved the End Fat Talk movement from last month – it was a great way to get this discussion going and to bring awareness to this problem. Now, we have to take it one step further and bravely step away from the scales that arbitrarily determine our moods and often, even our self worth. It’s time to ditch the outside voice of some random authority that makes money on perpetuating our struggle. Who gave them the right to decide what we need to eat? Are we that out of touch with ourselves that we don’t even get to decide that? I think we can do better for ourselves and I will start by reminding myself of the truth contained in this list everyday.

I know there will be some differing opinions out there – please share your perspective below. Do you think that diets work? When they don’t, do you assume it’s all your fault and that you messed up? Do you think the diet industry truly wants you to find lasting success (and quit getting your cash)? Are you willing to devote yourself to food restriction for the rest of your life? Is that really a reasonable expectation? And if not, what’s the alternative? How can we all lead happy and content lives at home in our skin without becoming obsessive? Please share your experience and any insights you’ve found that help ease the body shaming that is so rampant and excepted in society.

Do You “Struggle with Your Weight”?

It’s a common phrase – one I’ve used myself many a time. I used it as a way to express that I was somehow a work-in-progress, that I knew and understood that I was flawed and that I was expending effort to fix the problem. It was a badge to hold up and say, “See, at least I know there’s a problem!” I could participate in the larger culture with my fat-exemption card. I have to admit that it was a big part of my identity, to the point where I created a whole social life around myself built on the very premise. Struggling together was easier than struggling alone because we all know, struggling sucks. It’s hard. It’s energy draining. It took over my life. I decided to revisit this idea after reading this post over at Living 400 lbs.

Now, I’d like to say that the struggle is over – that I’ve learned my lesson and all is healed. If it were only that easy. Life is never black and white and I am swimming my way through the gray. Some days I fully embody Margaret Cho’s Fuck it Diet, and feel really great, really in tune with what my body needs to function well and wants just for the joy of it. Other days, the anxiety creeps in and the struggle resurfaces as an effort to silence the food police in my head and the nasty thoughts about my current (and frightening-to-think-about future weight).

The one real tool I have to combat these negative feelings is exercise. The thing I sometimes forgot about when “working out” to try to lose weight, is that moving my body feels fantastic. Getting going is the hard part but usually I feel good while doing it and really good afterwards. It’s hard to feel bad about myself when I’ve just done an hour plus of walking, yoga, pilates, or other strength training. It just doesn’t compute. What I try to avoid, however, are the thoughts about how doing these things will somehow prevent the apocalypse of The Ever-Expanding-Amelia outcome that I so fear. I cannot claim to have overcome that one yet, but practice makes perfect. I try to reframe my desires for movement as something that is showing myself care, that I’m doing it to feel better in my own skin. The goal cannot be weight loss. It just doesn’t work for me. It makes the whole thing into a chore, something that must be checked off the good-fatty checklist. There is no faster way to churn up Please-Just-Let-Me-Sit-On-The-Couch thoughts than that.

I’ve started to notice that the more I talk to myself in this way, the closer I come to believing it. It’s the whole fake-it-till-you-make-it strategy in action. So, I’m calling it – I’m done with the “struggling” metaphor. My body and I are on the same team. Even when my brain sometimes rebels and I have to talk her down, we’re still on the same side. It’s all me and it’s all good. I’m all good. I don’t need or want fixing. I can take excellent care of myself with wholesome, yummy food and fun, joyful activity. I can do all that without the goal of changing my body or losing weight. I can be healthy and not at war with my body. I’m calling a permanent cease fire.

Does anyone else use this metaphor? Do you think it's helping or hurting your efforts to be happy and healthy?

Oh, to be a Red Shoe Blogger

I love my little piece of the internet – it’s right here and it’s all mine. AND, I love The Wizard of Oz – so much so that I went to see it in the theater for its 70th anniversary a couple weeks ago. What do these two things have in common? Blogging is like The Wizard of Oz and there’s no place like home.

This has to be my #1 favorite blog post, like EVER. And it has nothing to do with health or finances (well, a bit, actually…) It boils down to talking about what really makes a blog successful. You see, many people have gotten into the biz of blogging to *gasp* try to make money. They learn and employ all the tricks to drive traffic and boost revenue. But if the content isn’t there, if there’s nothing behind all the bells and whistles, you’re left holding a bag of useless trinkets. Eventually, the whole thing will pop like an overinflated hot air balloon.

Well, no one could accuse me of THAT. I write what I want when I darn well feel like it. I must confess that it tickles me to know that you all (both of you!) are reading, but I don’t do anything specific to try to get more eyeballs. I don’t go around commenting on other blogs just to get people to track back to me. If I’m moved to share my thoughts, I do, if not, I cruise on by… I’ve also abandoned all hope or effort to make any money at this. I used to have some ads but they were awful weightloss or payday loans, most of the time. And who has the time or energy to police that stuff? All for a few pennies (and by this, I mean that literally). So, the ads went by-by and I like how uncluttered this space is. As I said, it’s mine and I love it.

So I’ll keep doing my thing, sporting my Beautifeel Size 9-wide sensible red heels (they may not be sparkly, but they FIT), strutting in and out as I please, talking about what’s important to me, on my schedule. Thanks for coming along for the ride!