Newsflash: I Love My Life (no caveats)

For years I’ve thought that if I could just change this one thing about me (my weight) all would be well. In an otherwise charmed existence, this was my one cross to bear. Other people had “real” problems, what did I have to complain about? Just devote my energy to getting this one thing under control and I would be golden. After reading this amazing post at Shapely Prose, I came to the conclusion that this was a spectacular waste of time.

What exactly was I waiting for? What was magically going to change when I lost weight? Would I find a husband? (no, got that…) Would I get more friends and be super popular? (I have plenty, thank you…) Would I be adored by the masses on the street? (I actually HATE that, you know, to be noticed and accosted by strangers…) Was I going to travel and have tons of fun? (hmmm… already had that experience…)

So what was it? I guess my Fantasy of Being Thin just involved feeling GOOD about myself and within my own skin. It was about feeling powerful and healthy and confident. It meant looking good in clothes (and without them!) and just reveling in being me. I’ve come to the conclusion that all of those things have to do with my state of MIND, not the state of my body. It seems so basic that I could literally laugh at all the angst I’ve put myself through.

Over the past 6 months or so since I’ve added some strength training to the yoga I already adored doing, I’ve noticed a change not only in my body but how I feel about it. Although I haven’t lost any weight and have probably gained some (I no longer weigh myself), I’ve noticed subtle changes in my body composition. It’s nothing drastic or probably even noticeable to others. But *I* notice and feel different: stronger, more toned, less wobbly.

I’ve found myself getting a kick out of buying clothes again, something I haven’t been able to do for years. Between the financial concerns and the feeling that anything I bought would be temporary (because I’d be losing weight, of course), I didn’t invest too much in it. What a joy it is to find something that makes me feel good right now, as I am now. I got the best bathing suite ever and I can’t wait to sport it on vacation. Who knew that I was capable of feeling that way about a swim suite!

I AM powerful, healthy, and confident. I am that way RIGHT NOW. And none of those qualities come from my ability to semi-starve my body into submission. So instead of devoting my energy to getting this one (weight) thing under control, I have boundless energy to devote to living this wonderful, amazing life I am blessed to enjoy.

Fat Women LESS Likely to Have Premature Babies?

A study discussed by Sandy Szwarc at Junk Food Science totally blew my mind. For years, I have been fraught with fears of getting pregnant while still in the obese category. I thought, if only I could lose some weight before having children, everything would be better – I’d be healthier, my baby would be healthier. I also thought about how I could eat in healthy way so that I wouldn’t gain too much weight while pregnant. And it goes without saying that I’d do my best to shed those excess pounds after delivery. I just couldn’t fathom getting bigger than I am already.

First goal: lose weight before getting pregnant.

Second goal: don’t gain too much weight when I do.

Third goal: work to lose pregnancy weight after birth.

I am literally in tears thinking about how much time I wasted trying to lose weight for this reason only to learn (from the study discussed in the link above):

The CDC researchers also found that fat women with BMIs in the ‘obese’ category and high weight gain (>1.5 pounds/week) were associated with the lowest risks for preterm deliveries of all (2.4%): less than half the risks seen among those of average weights and weight gain. While some believe fat women should gain less weight during pregnancy, they found that low pregnancy weight gain for obese women raised their risks for preterm deliveries to 9.3%.

And of COURSE I’d want to lose weight after having my first child, right? More from the article linked above:

Another point noted in this new study that may have come as a revelation was that researchers had previously shown that weight loss after a pregnancy can increase a woman’s risk of having a preterm delivery with her next pregnancy.

This one article alone has challenged me to question all that I thought I knew about weight and pregnancy. I can’t say that I’ve completely let go of my fears of weight GAIN. It’s scary to think that it is not only inevitable but actually preferable that I would indeed gain weight when carrying my first child. Sitting here at my highest weight (I’ve reached it before but never exceeded it, that I know of), I can’t imagine it.

While following a path of intuitive eating, I recognize that I may release some weight as my body normalizes and lets go of any excess that is not needed. I know that paradoxically, if I focus on that as a goal, I’m least likely to see that happen. But I still hope… I genuinely still believe that it would be healthier for me to start having children at a lower weight. Whether this is true or not, I cannot say.

The important thing for me to take from this is that no matter what, I am following the path I need to take. If it leads to me to getting smaller in the long run, if that’s where my body will be healthiest, great. If not, this is encouraging news that I may not be putting myself and my future child in harm’s way.

I was comforted to be reminded:

For most of human history, fat has been life-sustaining and a sign of a woman’s ability to bear and nurture children. Obesity continues to be shown to have a protective relationship for carrying a baby to term in the soundest studies, as these researchers confirmed...

…the welfare of all babies and improving their chances for healthy futures should be the primary concern, not whether their mums are fat. All babies deserve a healthy start and all mothers-to-be deserve good prenatal care… and the very best information.

It is true that the Cute Man and I have delayed having children for many reasons (getting our finances together was a biggy), but I must admit that this is the one that really stopped me in my tracks. With so much information out there, it is indeed hard to know what to believe. However, the studies discussed in this article have really spurred a lot of thought. I am interested in any other perspectives you may want to share!

Food for Thought (pun intended)

I came across an incredible post by Kate Harding at Shapely Prose that explains how intuitive eating (what she calls demand feeding) works and why it is so important. I was going to pull out a quote to illustrate, but really, if you’re at all interested, just go read Devouring the World. Like Kate, and many others, I’ve had the fear that if I just let go of the strings holding me back, there’d be no end to my gluttony and I’d keep gaining weight indefinitely (read about why that’s unlikely at Can Just Anyone Weigh 400 lbs?) I’m starting to really get it and the fear is subsiding more and more each day.

My Body: A Guide to Where I Want to Go

My body is really trying to tell me that something is out of whack. I only experience heartburn when my eating is what I used to call “out of control”. It’s when I’m eating more processed foods and less fruits and veggies. While working on making peace with food, I’ve eaten my fill of these types of things. It’s good to take that power away from them but it’s starting to take its toll. Since I only get indigestion when out of balance, I don’t keep antacids or anything in the house. Usually eating a mint helps enough to let me sleep (it really only happens at night, when it does happen).

However, the last couple of nights have been bad. I read somewhere that a teaspoon of baking soda dissolved in water helps to neutralize the acid. And it does! It helped a lot the past couple of nights. It tastes nasty but it works. But the more important thing is, it’s a clear message. I’ve been slowly working more fruits, veggies, and whole grains back into my diet. I’m trying to work from a place of abundance rather than attempt to restrict myself (we all know how THAT goes…) As a result, I’ve started ordering my weekly (mostly local) produce delivery and having those fresh ingredients around again has helped. I’m looking forward to clearing my system out somewhat.

I’m trying to remember that it’s not all or nothing, that this is a process and that I’m just trying to take care of myself in a better way. Letting go of the goal of weight loss has been such a relief to me. Just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes. I feel so great just the way I am now – why was I waiting for my body to change in order to be a peace with myself? So silly, in retrospect. I AM happy and it’s so good to just revel in that.

I still have the niggling fear of weight gain, though. It will take time for that to subside a bit. I feel my body filling out more and sometimes that does scare me. I don’t like that I’m finding some yoga poses a bit more difficult, for instance. I just try to tell myself that this is part of the process. I have to allow my body the room to equalize on its own time and that it might have to expand before it feels safe enough to release what it doesn’t need.

When I think of where I want to be, I don’t see thinness. This is a bit of breakthrough… When I think of where I want to be, I visualize strength, stability, and flexibility. I think of how I’d like my body to be able to move and feel. I think of my strong vital body several years ago when I was able to complete a marathon. I think of the ease I had when doing yoga. I don’t think of those times with nostalgia or regret that I am no longer there. I think of them as inspiration of what I am capable of…

The difference between those memories and what I envision for myself now is in the process. Previously, I got there through single minded, all encompassing dieting. I only inhabited that space for a short time before “real life” came back full throttle. Now, I’d like to work towards better health and fitness with a more sustainable approach, one that will be my way to life. I don’t think it’s likely that I will reach the place I did through dieting – my set-point is likely higher than that. And that’s OK. What I’m looking to recapture is how I FELT, not how I looked. I know I’m on the right path and that I will get there, if I listen to the expert, ME.

Navigating away from the Diet Mentality: What about My Dieting Friends?

Learning about Intuitive Eating truly was an eye-opening experience for me but it’s not just something that happened, it’s a (probably lifelong) process of healing and learning to trust myself. It’s a strange new world where I’m in the driver’s seat. I’m not 100% sure where I’ll end up, but I’m sure enjoying the ride a whole lot more. Halleluiah, praise the Lord! I can’t wait to share the good news!

That the danger, anyway. I’ve found the answer! Time to let everyone know the truth! But maybe not. I’m just at the very start of beginning to figure this all out. I am definitely sold on the fact that diets don’t work (in any fashion, even those touted as lifestyle changes). Anything that uses an outside mechanism to dictate how I should eat is doomed to fail and keep me on the hamster wheel of yo-yo dieting. I get it. But it’s a lot harder to LIVE it. I’m swimming against a tide of my own habits, friends’ behaviors, and general societal pressure. I may indeed do all this emotional work and wind up, *gasp*, still fat. I’m OK with that. If that’s where my body needs to be for me to be a happy person, I’ll take it. I do trust that by letting go of the obsession to lose weight, I will indeed wind up releasing some of the “extra” padding that makes me feel uncomfortable. But that is secondary to getting my life back from the all-consuming quest of weight loss. I seriously almost don’t know what to do with myself now that I don’t spend so much time worrying about and planning what to eat. It’s a whole new world!

But back to my point. Sure, I’m working through this and I’ve looked to many sources of support – from books, to audio programs, to online forums. I spend some time devoted to thinking about IE and looking for new info about it. But not NEARLY what I had spent previously on the diet quest. And a lot of that time was spent with my wonderful friends at the Weight Watchers board. Over the past few years I’ve gotten to know them not only as online weight loss buddies, but as amazing people.

So what now? Although I don’t think it would be healthy for me to continue hanging out on a weight loss board, that doesn’t mean they aren’t my friends anymore. The good thing about being a rational, thinking adult is that it’s OK to not agree 100% with everything that your friends believe or do. I am fully aware that each person is entitled to find their own path to health and happiness. I think I’ve found a good one for me, who am I to say what would work for someone else? If anyone else finds that the path they’re on no longer works, I’m here to talk about what I have found. I think the best method of spreading the word is to live well and be happy. If that appeals to others, they’ll have no problem coming to me about it.

I particularly like this quote from the Fat Nutritionist:

Your shit is your shit to figure out, and sometimes the only way out is through. In fact, the way I came to the place of relative peace I now inhabit with my body was by experiencing dieting in all its fucked-upness. I am not about to take that learning opportunity away from you, if you feel you need it. And if, in the end, you decide dieting is really not a tool of the devil, and you have no particular problem with it? Then whatever. I still won’t have a particular problem with you, either, unless you make it my problem.

No, I don’t agree with it, but we don’t have to agree. We just have to love each other, and thankfully we really, really do.

I couldn’t say it better myself! (((HUGS)))

Making Peace with Food and My Finances

It just occurred to me that this process of making peace with food is having not only a mental/emotional/health impact, but a financial one as well. As I worked to get my finances under control, I came up with a series of habits that really helped keep me on track. Chief among them were the habits related to food shopping. I almost always had a shopping list and I found it very helpful to shop for two weeks at a time, with very few if any in-between forays to the store. I did get fresh produce delivered on the off weeks to keep that stuff stocked.

However, over the past couple of months I’ve started to see a shift. Part of that is a conscious move away from meticulous money tracking – a gift I gave myself for having resolved most of my issues and gotten into an established saving pattern. With that, came a more relaxed shopping list and more frequent trips to the store. The additional cost was not significant at first, which was gratifying. Even going on autopilot, I spent about the same as usual.

Over the past couple of weeks, though, I’ve noticed that I’m stopping at the store a LOT. This is mostly to indulge cravings and round out meals I planned to prepare. In my effort to make peace with food, I have been indulging whims in my eating and shopping habits in a way that I have not in a long time. I have not totaled up with amount of spending but it “feels” like I’m spending more.

I know that this phase is just that, a phase of my healing where I need to indulge myself a little bit. I need to feel like nothing is off limits and what I want really is worth an extra trip to the store. I am fortunate to be tackling this issue at a time when money is not nearly as tight as it once was. This gives me a freedom for which I’m grateful.

At the same time I know I’m out of balance. I can feel it. I am eating a bit too much and I’m spending a bit too much. After taking some time to really let loose, I feel pulled toward the middle. I crave the feeling that comes with being in tune with not only what my body wants (ice cream!) but what it also needs (vegetables!) What’s different now is that instead of looking to some program (Weight Watchers/counting calories) to tell me how to find that balance, I’m looking inward to find the answer. Now that I’m actually listening, the message is starting to get through.

Although things (my eating/finances) are a bit out of whack right now, it’s OK. I realize that’s just part of how this process unfolds. I need to trust myself to move through this in whatever way feels right to me. I think I’m finally starting to really trust that food will always be there for me when I’m hungry – that the days of restriction are over. Once that completely truly sinks in, I know that the urge to eat half a box of Grasshoppers will subside :D

Making Peace with Food: Harder than I Thought

As I move through the process of learning how to eat intuitively, I am struggling to deal with its most fundamental concept – making peace with food. That is the underlying premise of this whole thing! On the one hand, it is really exciting to eat things that I’ve previously restricted. I always thought that I wasn’t “too bad” about all that – I let myself have treats, but tried to limit/control them. But throughout the last week, I’ve found myself bumping up against beliefs I didn’t even really consciously acknowledge. I find myself thinking of buying/eating a food and initially dismissing it as out of hand (a box of Mint Milanos or Oreos, white pasta with Alfredo sauce. These things are just too bad (at least in my head). I am working to let these beliefs go – I know they are only hurting me. The Alfredo sauce only has power and is so tantalizing because I don’t allow myself to eat it. So, I guess I know what I’ll be buying at the store later…

I keep reading that this diet-backlash phase is normal and that I have to allow myself to move through it naturally. It’s OK that the majority of what I’m eating is “play food”. It won’t last forever. Eventually, if I really listen to my body, I’ll start to crave/want good for me stuff, too. But I’m not there yet and rushing it doesn’t work. I’m starting to get an inkling of this, though. I don’t like how I felt last night after eating too much ice cream after a larger dinner. Thinking about not wanting to repeat that feeling (bloated, uncomfortable) is a learning experience. I am retraining myself to not think of it as a “bad night” or that I messed up, somehow. I know it’s just one of the learning experiences that will help me retune my relationship with food. That shift in thinking is a big milestone for me.

At some point, my body will get the message that I will never restrict its food again. It needs to feel secure in the fact that another diet isn’t right around the corner as was the case previously. When I finally accept that food will always be readily available, I’ll be able to chill out in trying to get it all in. Knowing from others’ experience that it will happen doesn’t make it any less scary to be on the other side of it, waiting for it to kick in. There’s still a part of me that wonders if I’ll just keep eating and eating indefinitely and just get bigger and bigger. Intellectually, I understand that’s not what will happen, but emotionally, it’s the fear I’ve clung to for so long, that it’s hard to recalibrate my brain.

So for today, I’ll try not to think too much about it and just enjoy my food. Fried chicken and spaghetti with regular pesto sauce! It’s funny how I always said I didn’t know how to make fried chicken – I just didn’t allow myself to do it right. It is so good!