I’ve been at this for about two months so far. I’ve lost a total of 4.5 pounds. I lost the first 3 in the first two weeks and the last 1.5 in the time since. I’ve been struggling to keep my calories in range and took a few days off from tracking at all, which coincided with me baking a bunch of Grain-free (but not sugar-free due to maple syrup) cookies for sale at the Artist Market that took place last Saturday. I had about a week of consistent daily cookie-eating. At first, I was shoe-horning them into my day, displacing more nutritious food. Then, I “took a break” from counting…
That being said, I’m over it. For the most part, I do better without any type of baking. It seems to be a trigger for me. I’m not saying I won’t do it at all – in fact, I have a few things planned for this weekend’s birthday party for Cute Man – but I’ll stick to using Swerve and/or Stevia. But after that, I’m going to ease up on those types of things. There is no scenario in which having that stuff every day is a good idea. With a calorie limit, I need to focus on getting nutrient dense food into myself.
I hate to admit how hard this is for me! I have not kicked the habit of rewarding and soothing myself with food. I go back and forth about whether that should even be goal. Is that so terrible? Can I find a way to allow for such things without undermining my goals? This is the never-ending question for me. I’ve tried The Whole 30. Talk about panic! A whole month without anything faintly resembling a treat was instructive, but ultimately painful. Is it worth the effort? Ultimately, I think not. In the big cost/benefit analysis of my life, I don’t want to choose a path that feels anything like deprivation. I have not been bad, I don’t deserve to be punished.
The beauty of the low carb and/or Paleo lifestyle has always been about abundance for me. I could do it because it felt good, right, and the trade-offs seemed worth it. When it “worked” without any counting, I felt like I’d won the lottery. Now that I seem to need the structure of counting calories and carbs, I’m rebelling a little. The way I’m thinking about it is this: I could go on not counting and just doing my best to keep my carbs low and probably maintain my weight. I could go super strict Paleo (no treats at all) and lose, albeit slowly, or, I can keep on course with my current plan which is to count, but allow some treats in a way that fits into my daily count. Really, it comes down to the treats. I admit it. Saving room for some nut butter and a few chocolate chips at the end of the day is what I’m talking about. So silly. So important. To me.
As a result, I choose option #3. I’ll count. I have to let go of the last of my internal resistance – resistance to counting, resistance to the idea of losing weight at all. Wanting to release this excess fat is not about hating my current body, but loving it enough to give it what it needs to feel safe enough to let go of the extra padding. These blocks are holding me back from getting where I want to be. I’m letting them go. Right now. I deserve to be successful and I can do this. And I will. Starting right now.