Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My Body: A Guide to Where I Want to Go

My body is really trying to tell me that something is out of whack. I only experience heartburn when my eating is what I used to call “out of control”. It’s when I’m eating more processed foods and less fruits and veggies. While working on making peace with food, I’ve eaten my fill of these types of things. It’s good to take that power away from them but it’s starting to take its toll. Since I only get indigestion when out of balance, I don’t keep antacids or anything in the house. Usually eating a mint helps enough to let me sleep (it really only happens at night, when it does happen).

However, the last couple of nights have been bad. I read somewhere that a teaspoon of baking soda dissolved in water helps to neutralize the acid. And it does! It helped a lot the past couple of nights. It tastes nasty but it works. But the more important thing is, it’s a clear message. I’ve been slowly working more fruits, veggies, and whole grains back into my diet. I’m trying to work from a place of abundance rather than attempt to restrict myself (we all know how THAT goes…) As a result, I’ve started ordering my weekly (mostly local) produce delivery and having those fresh ingredients around again has helped. I’m looking forward to clearing my system out somewhat.

I’m trying to remember that it’s not all or nothing, that this is a process and that I’m just trying to take care of myself in a better way. Letting go of the goal of weight loss has been such a relief to me. Just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes. I feel so great just the way I am now – why was I waiting for my body to change in order to be a peace with myself? So silly, in retrospect. I AM happy and it’s so good to just revel in that.

I still have the niggling fear of weight gain, though. It will take time for that to subside a bit. I feel my body filling out more and sometimes that does scare me. I don’t like that I’m finding some yoga poses a bit more difficult, for instance. I just try to tell myself that this is part of the process. I have to allow my body the room to equalize on its own time and that it might have to expand before it feels safe enough to release what it doesn’t need.

When I think of where I want to be, I don’t see thinness. This is a bit of breakthrough… When I think of where I want to be, I visualize strength, stability, and flexibility. I think of how I’d like my body to be able to move and feel. I think of my strong vital body several years ago when I was able to complete a marathon. I think of the ease I had when doing yoga. I don’t think of those times with nostalgia or regret that I am no longer there. I think of them as inspiration of what I am capable of…

The difference between those memories and what I envision for myself now is in the process. Previously, I got there through single minded, all encompassing dieting. I only inhabited that space for a short time before “real life” came back full throttle. Now, I’d like to work towards better health and fitness with a more sustainable approach, one that will be my way to life. I don’t think it’s likely that I will reach the place I did through dieting – my set-point is likely higher than that. And that’s OK. What I’m looking to recapture is how I FELT, not how I looked. I know I’m on the right path and that I will get there, if I listen to the expert, ME.

No comments: